2014…

One worry I possess is that I’m scared I won’t be able to handle life. I have been blaming my lack of motivation lately due to an overall feeling of instability due to the fact that I’m waiting for my course to start and I have no job.
Even though I have so much “time”, I feel burdened and stressed by the little things. Fatigued all day no matter how much sleep or coffee I have. Maybe I’m just fatigued at heart?
I was thinking yesterday, that I do have a rather passive temperament. I tend to push a lot of things down and so I think I get what I have titled, “emotional flu”. When an incident occurs that I have not properly addressed, I push it down and then like a virus, it grows and my emotional immunity cannot handle the problem that I am allowing to (in secret) exist.
The virus grows and I get a flu, which exhibits itself through a nonchalant behaviour, fatigue and carelessness. Flu’s do get better, but I think because I don’t address the issue correctly, I never gain an immunity to what was the ‘virus’.
Thinking what may be my current ‘virus’ is not letting go. Lingering onto some pains of the past and some people. I need to learn to leave the past behind me and embrace my present and the future which I want to make as bright as possible. I know some lovely people who care about me, therefore I don’t need to linger on the people who forgot me long ago…

Even though I care about them and there are moments that I miss and don’t want to let go of, those moments were fleeting. They were just that: moments. Never to be repeated and did not even reflect fully the roller-coaster relationship I have had with some people as a whole.
I guess, if I do look back, I should look back on the fond times happily but not become attached to them or the people I shared those memories with. They are, after all, just chemical impulses our minds have replicated over the years. Like footprints in the soil, if we keep walking over them, they will grow deeper. If we walk a different path, the footprints will dimish.

Moral of the story, I guess is: Tread lightly through fond memories. Keep them, but don’t make them who you are and cause yourself to not focus on the scenery around you and the forward horizon. As for the paths you wish you didn’t take and the people along the way, look to it on your new path, but don’t walk it again. Learn from those mistakes and let the footprints fade, after all, they were part of the past…

So I Feel Like My Life Is Falling Apart…

The title says it all. I feel like everything is going to the wayside. I am lost, yet searching. I don’t know what for, exactly, but I think I am searching for fulfillment. As my inner mind crumbles, it causes my outer to as well. So as always, whenever I have a problem, I type it into google so see what article might help me. What I found was ‘How to Deal With Your Life’, an ehow article. Here’s how it is:

1. Get yourself under control.
Ahh control, my beautiful ex-best friend. I miss her dearly, but she’s oh so controlling. I guess in a way, I miss that though. Last year, I ws so bridled. There were a couple of months there that I just had this whole “life” thing sorted out. I was exercising, eating well, doing my homework and being a dilligent student, trying my hardest to be a good daughter, sister and friend, maintain myself spiritually and have time for music. My day planner was so regimented and my ‘to-do’ list would often stretch to the very bottom of the page. It did though, give me a sense of achievement, as taxing as my schedule was. But I guess I snapped, well, not guess. In plain, I snapped bad. I made my life too high strung and naturally my mind couldn’t support all the tension. It’s a shame really, we want to operate at a 110% but our body’s only allow 100%. The battle thereafter is teaching ourselves to be content with that 100%.
The key that I learnt from that experience is of course, balance. Everything must be in moderation. I will have to teach myself that, because my personalities more inclined to the ‘all-or-nothing’ approach.
Currently though, it’s hard to maintain control in anything when I feel like I’m at the mercy of an email. Literally. I’ve been waiting and waiting to see if I will be accepted into my music course next year. It feels as though my mind won’t let me live in this present moment until I know that my future is sealed. It is weird, I’ll admit, being without a ‘title’, so to speak. I’m not a student anymore and I haven’t got a job yet, so I feel rather bare and underestimated as just plain ‘ex-student, unemployed, going to study in 2014’. That lack of current purpose is, what I think is making it so hard to keep life together. Why it is so hard to maintain control…
But I have high hopes. In all of us, we have a picture of how we ‘want’ ourselves to be and I will not settle with believing that my ultimate self is unattainable. I believe I can do everything, all at once, but I guess that ultimate self will take molding. Until, I figure, what is my ‘ultimate’ now will be my normal self. With practice, and time. I guess that’s comforting to think of…

Goals then: In any little way possible, even though I’m unemployed and waiting for school to start, please, please for the love of sanity, try to get a grip- get control of something, anything. These little baby steps will hopefully equate to something much greater. Maybe, continue my studies of spanish daily? I’ve been going five days straight, I could continue that. Maybe keep writing on here, or think of article ideas, not forgetting my trusty ol’ lyric booklet. I shouldn’t neglect that.
Thus, breaking down the ‘goals of control’ I desire to accomplish, I should start somewhere. And just keep building till I don’t feel like I’m sinking anymore.

/ Well, I guess you could say that musing and self-reflection helped a tad… 🙂

-13

Silly ol’ me for bothering to miss you…

And thinking about you. Even sadder, dreaming about you.
I never see you around anymore.
I’m stuck with writing pathetically sad songs that are the aural equivalent of how I feel…

Why do we do this?
Why do you do this?
Why do we love just to fall apart?
You never noticed…
I never noticed…
We were in love from the start.

Those are the chorus lyrics to a song I’ve been writing lately. I’ve written the first verse but I’m unhappy with it. The words seem unfitting… I have selective writer’s block. It’s tentatively called “Caught in the Breakdown”. Hopefully I’ll find some inspiration for it soon and finish it.

Anyways, looking back I see things that I didn’t notice at the time. That you cared… we both cared a lot more than we were willing to show. It is a scaring and daunting thing to put your guard down and let someone in. My walls were thick, but I have never seen a fortress quite like yours. I hope never not to. You caused/cause too much pain.
I guess we must always remember, no matter how hard we try to deny this heavy fact; that we can be burdens to others. We can be the reason why they cry themselves to sleep; or don’t even manage to sleep at all. We can be the sentence that stings someone each day. We can be the one who plays with someone else’s emotions like a game; just to turn our own feelings off like a light switch, without a second thought as to the consequences of emotional callousness.
I just hope that I don’t play with fire as much as they did. I don’t want to burn someone as badly as they burnt me.
Worse still, is that I miss that fire. I miss it more than I should…

Darkness, Memories…

We’re all lonely, stuffed up hearts.
Remember when we ran in the night just to find our vice?
It’s funny how we were all united in that way. I remember the headlights dazzling my vision. I remember looking down the street where we stole a silent kiss.
I remember us running, running, running.
You had the longest legs and even though you have tarred lungs, you saved your energy till the last leg of the race and gunned it. We followed in suit two minutes later.

As we walked back, sharing this pain we went to the park. There was transpiration on the grass but I lied down anyway.I stared at the stars to find an answer to a question I was always asking these days. We talked about being stuffed up and I thought of how being at a park like this was a means of an escape as a child and still is. But we lurk to these refuges under the shadow of the night.
When we walked back, we reunited with a friend and walked the alleyways back to your house. From there, I bet we watched tv. You always need something light to distract yourself from that all-consuming previous darkness.

I Follow Rivers

All moments have apparently lead me to now.
This very present moment.
This moment which is illuminated by the salt rock lamp my boyfriend gave me two days ago, this moment that is accompanied by the spacey tunes of Lykke Li.
Today, I’ve thought about how this year is coming to a close. All moments have lead to now and thinking that in my eighteen years, I have not accomplished nothing close to the budding success that is contained in my favourite youtuber’s bio page.
Yes, I am only eighteen. Yes, I do realise that I am totally reaffirming my boyfriend’s claims that I
1. Whinge too much and;
2. Read too much existential/nihilistic/just plain sad literature that permeates into my mind thus into my speech thus into my conduct…
Maybe I’m just a sad person?
Maybe I just have an overcast opinion of myself and a sadness to the world is permanently drenched into my speech?
/holds for mocking laughter.

All self-indulgent speech aside, I guess there have been some highlights to this year. Some notable downsides, of course, but there have been moments of incredible sunshine. Both in an emotional sense and a seasonal. Haha.
I guess musically, I have been able to come out of my shell a bit. Not a lot, but enough has encouraged me to continue scuttling out of my hermit shell into 2014. I want to prove people wrong. Some sentences stick to me like glue and I adamantly believe that I am better than what is, admittedly, currently true.
Yes, my songwriting isn’t the best.
Yes, at this present time, I am just a lame cover artist.
Yes, my singing does on some days have the timbre of a pre-pubescent boy just having his voice drop.
Yes, I say a lot more than I actually do.

I would like to solve this in 2014, I really would. But one trend I have noticed about myself; a cycle if you will, is that I cannot break the unending trend of rising just to fall.
Gathering so much motivation, zeal, passion and encouragement just to have it fall through a sieve one or two weeks later. It’s a shame. Especially since I know that in the next one or two weeks that same passion will be back again. Encouraging me to let my downfall be “the last time” and rise above my own self, ultimately. But no amount of self-talk, motivational videos or books can keep myself blooming. Like I said, I guess I cannot conquer myself.

I feel trapped by the fact that, I am not a three or four dimensional person, like the people I see around me. Who somehow manage to keep up with their own echelon trends and interests. They watch tv shows, listen to music, know… THINGS. Meanwhile, I feel like a bland personality in comparison. A grey sad streak next to a bright rainbow of an individual. And as I have noticed, “intelligence” is in vogue within my circle, so I feel disenchanted that people can find some sense in belonging through their mutual enjoyment of say, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” by Hunter S. Thompson, whilst I have been indulging in such literature for years and haven’t been able to belong to anyone for that interest. No one I have known yet has really had an interest in say, beat-nik writings.

Speaking of “Fear and Loathing…”, after having finished the book two days ago, I watched the movie with my boyfriend yesterday. It was awesome. Johnny Depp, even though he is wearing the same attire that my dad wore in the eighties except for the glasses still manages to look lovely to the eye and plays Raoul Duke so, so well. His acting is excellent and there were so many scenes that made me laugh just from the look on his face. I would like to someday quote- and I paraphrase here, the line where he’s hallucinating at the bar and he sees a whole room of reptiles and says, “there’s a whole room of reptillians in here, and someone’s feeding them BOOZE!”
Benicio Del Toro captures the sleazy character of Doctor Gonzo well. The attorney’s unhelpful advice warrants a chuckle and especially in the scene where he’s taken too much acid in the bath tub can make you cringe. I enjoyed Terry Gilliam’s directing style however I think that it’s still just… the same? Comparing “Fear and Loathing…” with his other work, “Twelve Monkeys” starring Bruce Willis, I think that his use of colour’s and angles to convey the mood of the scenes is refreshingly different but knowing that that’s his typical style, makes me think that he could try to make his movies seem more unique. Like have a wide-idea cinematographer to add a new edge to his colourful style? I don’t know. I have no right to spout my opinion like I even know what I’m talking about…
But I digress, the film and of course the book “Fear and Loathing…” were excellent. I want to read “Hell’s Angels” soon and “The Rum Diary/ies” (I add the “ies” because I believe the movie is called “The Rum Diaries”) it will be nice to see a reprisal of Johnny Depp.

So yeah, I take it that Gonzo journalism is popular within my circle at the moment. It makes me happy to know though that my boyfriend’s been a Thompson fan for a long time. I wouldn’t mind getting him some Gonzo books to inspire his own writing but my divine plan for the time being is to get him to enjoy Kerouac. I think it would be a terrific union for Dean to meet his “counterpart”, Moriaty (ha, ha). Hopefully he’ll finish Patrick Suskund’s “The Pigeon”, then finish William S. Burrough’s “Junky” then read “On The Road” (After that, maybe I could sneak in “Howl”? We’ll have to wait and see).
This post has segued exponentially.
I should probably stop writing before a new segue arrives, just like my friend’s grey cat that has just come to crawl on my stomach and knead a spot on me to block my view of the keyboard and screen. I guess that’s the cat’s subtle way of saying I should sign off… 😛